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My Dad
3 years ago
Monday, July 28, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRINCESS!
YAAAY!! Today Princess Flip-Flop is ... um ... exactly the same age she was at this time last year. Have a great birthday, Flip-Flop!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Jewel of Creation
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." This much is commonly known; He separated the light and the dark, created the land, the water, mountains, rivers, oceans, deserts, trees and flowers and other plants, fish, birds, and land animals, etc.
Then He created Man. The design for Man is a basic, tried and true format. God merely had to look in the mirror for a prototype. Men are simple and rugged, like a single-speed bicycle; the seemingly primitive components performing well at their specified functions. They may not be very fancy, devoid of bells and whistles, but they work well and are easy to maintain.
Then as a companion to Man, in the final moments of the Creation, He created the piece de resistance … Woman - which when translated means "New Man", or "Man v2.0 Upgrade Patch." This new model was to compensate for the shortcomings of the original design, mainly the man's inability to bear offspring and raise them into adulthood.
(Footnote 1: There was a little known prototype called Man v1.4 that could self-reproduce, but was otherwise still male. This design failed when it was realized that none of the next generation ever survived into adulthood. The adult male would either fail to care for the young, abandoning them to be devoured by beasts, or when the adult found that the child was not very productive at obtaining its share of food, he would do what he deemed to be most efficient for his own survival … he ate the young himself.)
The Software Team quickly went to work writing code for the Woman's psyche that would allow her to be more caring and nurturing. The female mind was programmed to be vastly different than the Man's. The Man made decisions by logically analyzing sets of facts. The Woman was less logical, but instead she was blessed with intuition, compassion, and empathy; concepts that Men are still trying to grasp ages later.
(Footnote 2: The Woman's diminished aptitude for logical reasoning is often misunderstood, and in fact many "modern" philosophers claim that women are equally, if not more logical than men. The truth is that this so-called "flaw" was personally suggested by God to solve a critical problem. Namely, if Women were highly logical they would never be attracted to Men; they would completely avoid the ugly, odorous brutes altogether. Women would congregate together in civilized, well-decorated societies until the species died off. Some women claim they have highly superior logical skills and demonstrate this by being attracted to other women - just as the men are. Yet these women are attracted to women that look, sound, and behave much like men, thus reaping the worst of both situations: failing to further the species and also being fond of unattractive hairy beasts, thus proving themselves to have inferior intelligence and lacking any logic at all.)
God put his best team of Exterior Designers on the task of modeling the female appearance. This team had already designed mountains, waterfalls, forests, flowers, kittens, coral reefs, and even experimented in the deep sea with fish that would brightly light up with different colors. The bar was set high: This was to be the crowning glory of the Earth's creation. In addition to that, it must be something that could tame the savage Men while simultaneously filling them with passion, for this plan required both parties to participate together and Man does not like to admit to needing the assistance of another being.
The Exterior Design team were true artists and succeeded in creating the most beautiful sight in all of the Creation. Balance was achieved as her bodily form and gracefulness could drive a man wild, yet her enchanting eyes could stop him in his tracks and melt him into a puddle of goo. God was so pleased with this design that He instructed all other teams to fit their systems into this body without allowing any aesthetic changes. And thus began the everlasting conflict between artists and engineers: Form vs. Function.
Every mechanical engineer knows not to finalize the exterior specifications first because the required parts may not fit into the shape provided. The deadline was fast approaching, and on top of it all, it was the last day before God left on vacation so His head was not in the game, especially after the unveiling of the female's exterior design.
The Reproduction Team was under the most pressure. With the deadline so near, they had very little time to test the new system with the other systems of the body. In a scene that most engineers, designers, and builders are familiar with, as the clock ticked toward the final deadline their attitude changed from "This will be the greatest thing ever!" to "Just cram it in there and hope it works." The hormones used to regulate the reproductive system were not completely compatible with the brains operating system, resulting in various bugs and glitches.
(Footnote 3: Various effects of the glitches resulting from the incompatibility of the reproductive hormones with the main operating system include: extreme mood swings ranging from sweet and amorous to Raging She-Beast, weeping for no apparent reason, bloating, cramps, and the desire to watch movies with excessive dialog and no explosions or fart jokes.)
A subcommittee had been tasked to make the system maintenance free, but in a tragic turn of events the entire committee called in sick that day.
The Reproductive Team had also been working together with the Software team to develop a program that would disable the brain's pain receptors during child birth, but unfortunately there was not enough time to include this into the final design.
The final product is a Woman that is part goddess and part human. Although the Woman did not work out quite as perfectly as God had envisioned, the plan is still a success. Men love Women and - for some reason - Women love Men. In fact they love each other's strengths deeply enough to put up with, and in some cases even forgive the other's weaknesses.
Then He created Man. The design for Man is a basic, tried and true format. God merely had to look in the mirror for a prototype. Men are simple and rugged, like a single-speed bicycle; the seemingly primitive components performing well at their specified functions. They may not be very fancy, devoid of bells and whistles, but they work well and are easy to maintain.
Then as a companion to Man, in the final moments of the Creation, He created the piece de resistance … Woman - which when translated means "New Man", or "Man v2.0 Upgrade Patch." This new model was to compensate for the shortcomings of the original design, mainly the man's inability to bear offspring and raise them into adulthood.
(Footnote 1: There was a little known prototype called Man v1.4 that could self-reproduce, but was otherwise still male. This design failed when it was realized that none of the next generation ever survived into adulthood. The adult male would either fail to care for the young, abandoning them to be devoured by beasts, or when the adult found that the child was not very productive at obtaining its share of food, he would do what he deemed to be most efficient for his own survival … he ate the young himself.)
The Software Team quickly went to work writing code for the Woman's psyche that would allow her to be more caring and nurturing. The female mind was programmed to be vastly different than the Man's. The Man made decisions by logically analyzing sets of facts. The Woman was less logical, but instead she was blessed with intuition, compassion, and empathy; concepts that Men are still trying to grasp ages later.
(Footnote 2: The Woman's diminished aptitude for logical reasoning is often misunderstood, and in fact many "modern" philosophers claim that women are equally, if not more logical than men. The truth is that this so-called "flaw" was personally suggested by God to solve a critical problem. Namely, if Women were highly logical they would never be attracted to Men; they would completely avoid the ugly, odorous brutes altogether. Women would congregate together in civilized, well-decorated societies until the species died off. Some women claim they have highly superior logical skills and demonstrate this by being attracted to other women - just as the men are. Yet these women are attracted to women that look, sound, and behave much like men, thus reaping the worst of both situations: failing to further the species and also being fond of unattractive hairy beasts, thus proving themselves to have inferior intelligence and lacking any logic at all.)
God put his best team of Exterior Designers on the task of modeling the female appearance. This team had already designed mountains, waterfalls, forests, flowers, kittens, coral reefs, and even experimented in the deep sea with fish that would brightly light up with different colors. The bar was set high: This was to be the crowning glory of the Earth's creation. In addition to that, it must be something that could tame the savage Men while simultaneously filling them with passion, for this plan required both parties to participate together and Man does not like to admit to needing the assistance of another being.
The Exterior Design team were true artists and succeeded in creating the most beautiful sight in all of the Creation. Balance was achieved as her bodily form and gracefulness could drive a man wild, yet her enchanting eyes could stop him in his tracks and melt him into a puddle of goo. God was so pleased with this design that He instructed all other teams to fit their systems into this body without allowing any aesthetic changes. And thus began the everlasting conflict between artists and engineers: Form vs. Function.
Every mechanical engineer knows not to finalize the exterior specifications first because the required parts may not fit into the shape provided. The deadline was fast approaching, and on top of it all, it was the last day before God left on vacation so His head was not in the game, especially after the unveiling of the female's exterior design.
The Reproduction Team was under the most pressure. With the deadline so near, they had very little time to test the new system with the other systems of the body. In a scene that most engineers, designers, and builders are familiar with, as the clock ticked toward the final deadline their attitude changed from "This will be the greatest thing ever!" to "Just cram it in there and hope it works." The hormones used to regulate the reproductive system were not completely compatible with the brains operating system, resulting in various bugs and glitches.
(Footnote 3: Various effects of the glitches resulting from the incompatibility of the reproductive hormones with the main operating system include: extreme mood swings ranging from sweet and amorous to Raging She-Beast, weeping for no apparent reason, bloating, cramps, and the desire to watch movies with excessive dialog and no explosions or fart jokes.)
A subcommittee had been tasked to make the system maintenance free, but in a tragic turn of events the entire committee called in sick that day.
The Reproductive Team had also been working together with the Software team to develop a program that would disable the brain's pain receptors during child birth, but unfortunately there was not enough time to include this into the final design.
The final product is a Woman that is part goddess and part human. Although the Woman did not work out quite as perfectly as God had envisioned, the plan is still a success. Men love Women and - for some reason - Women love Men. In fact they love each other's strengths deeply enough to put up with, and in some cases even forgive the other's weaknesses.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Words of Wisdom
If you wear headphones while you work, remember this one thing when you try to hold back a fart:
Just because you didn't hear it, does not mean everyone else didn't hear it.
Just because you didn't hear it, does not mean everyone else didn't hear it.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Featured Album: Godspeed
Victory is mine! The latest addition to my music collection is a band called Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and if you think the band’s name is strange, we've only gotten started.
The album title is Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven. How do I begin to describe it: Spacey, psychedelic, avant-garde art rock with guitars (electric and acoustic), upright bass, cellos, violins, glockenspiel, and an extra large dose of Weird. It’s mostly instrumental with a few spoken word audio clips thrown in: an old man reminiscing about Conney Island, a little girl singing in French, a crazy cult preacher, etc.
The album consists of 2 discs with 2 tracks on each disc. Each track has several movements within it, each with its own name. The shortest track is 19 minutes long.
The passive nature of this album should allow it to serve well as background music while I do other things that require more mental focus such as work or talk with friends. My usual Prog Metal is so intricate that it requires a certain amount of attention simply to listen to it. This album is more relaxing, although it does have its intense and/or intricate moments.
The album title is Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven. How do I begin to describe it: Spacey, psychedelic, avant-garde art rock with guitars (electric and acoustic), upright bass, cellos, violins, glockenspiel, and an extra large dose of Weird. It’s mostly instrumental with a few spoken word audio clips thrown in: an old man reminiscing about Conney Island, a little girl singing in French, a crazy cult preacher, etc.
The album consists of 2 discs with 2 tracks on each disc. Each track has several movements within it, each with its own name. The shortest track is 19 minutes long.
The passive nature of this album should allow it to serve well as background music while I do other things that require more mental focus such as work or talk with friends. My usual Prog Metal is so intricate that it requires a certain amount of attention simply to listen to it. This album is more relaxing, although it does have its intense and/or intricate moments.
As I was waiting for CD Tradepost to open Saturday morning I stopped at the Goodwill across the street. There I bought a Venaculas CD for $3. Remember, the 1 CD a Month rule is more of a guideline. It was only $3 and they are pretty descent for a local band.
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