Posts
Creepy Dream
7 years ago
Monday, July 28, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRINCESS!
YAAAY!! Today Princess Flip-Flop is ... um ... exactly the same age she was at this time last year. Have a great birthday, Flip-Flop!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Jewel of Creation
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." This much is commonly known; He separated the light and the dark, created the land, the water, mountains, rivers, oceans, deserts, trees and flowers and other plants, fish, birds, and land animals, etc.
Then He created Man. The design for Man is a basic, tried and true format. God merely had to look in the mirror for a prototype. Men are simple and rugged, like a single-speed bicycle; the seemingly primitive components performing well at their specified functions. They may not be very fancy, devoid of bells and whistles, but they work well and are easy to maintain.
Then as a companion to Man, in the final moments of the Creation, He created the piece de resistance … Woman - which when translated means "New Man", or "Man v2.0 Upgrade Patch." This new model was to compensate for the shortcomings of the original design, mainly the man's inability to bear offspring and raise them into adulthood.
(Footnote 1: There was a little known prototype called Man v1.4 that could self-reproduce, but was otherwise still male. This design failed when it was realized that none of the next generation ever survived into adulthood. The adult male would either fail to care for the young, abandoning them to be devoured by beasts, or when the adult found that the child was not very productive at obtaining its share of food, he would do what he deemed to be most efficient for his own survival … he ate the young himself.)
The Software Team quickly went to work writing code for the Woman's psyche that would allow her to be more caring and nurturing. The female mind was programmed to be vastly different than the Man's. The Man made decisions by logically analyzing sets of facts. The Woman was less logical, but instead she was blessed with intuition, compassion, and empathy; concepts that Men are still trying to grasp ages later.
(Footnote 2: The Woman's diminished aptitude for logical reasoning is often misunderstood, and in fact many "modern" philosophers claim that women are equally, if not more logical than men. The truth is that this so-called "flaw" was personally suggested by God to solve a critical problem. Namely, if Women were highly logical they would never be attracted to Men; they would completely avoid the ugly, odorous brutes altogether. Women would congregate together in civilized, well-decorated societies until the species died off. Some women claim they have highly superior logical skills and demonstrate this by being attracted to other women - just as the men are. Yet these women are attracted to women that look, sound, and behave much like men, thus reaping the worst of both situations: failing to further the species and also being fond of unattractive hairy beasts, thus proving themselves to have inferior intelligence and lacking any logic at all.)
God put his best team of Exterior Designers on the task of modeling the female appearance. This team had already designed mountains, waterfalls, forests, flowers, kittens, coral reefs, and even experimented in the deep sea with fish that would brightly light up with different colors. The bar was set high: This was to be the crowning glory of the Earth's creation. In addition to that, it must be something that could tame the savage Men while simultaneously filling them with passion, for this plan required both parties to participate together and Man does not like to admit to needing the assistance of another being.
The Exterior Design team were true artists and succeeded in creating the most beautiful sight in all of the Creation. Balance was achieved as her bodily form and gracefulness could drive a man wild, yet her enchanting eyes could stop him in his tracks and melt him into a puddle of goo. God was so pleased with this design that He instructed all other teams to fit their systems into this body without allowing any aesthetic changes. And thus began the everlasting conflict between artists and engineers: Form vs. Function.
Every mechanical engineer knows not to finalize the exterior specifications first because the required parts may not fit into the shape provided. The deadline was fast approaching, and on top of it all, it was the last day before God left on vacation so His head was not in the game, especially after the unveiling of the female's exterior design.
The Reproduction Team was under the most pressure. With the deadline so near, they had very little time to test the new system with the other systems of the body. In a scene that most engineers, designers, and builders are familiar with, as the clock ticked toward the final deadline their attitude changed from "This will be the greatest thing ever!" to "Just cram it in there and hope it works." The hormones used to regulate the reproductive system were not completely compatible with the brains operating system, resulting in various bugs and glitches.
(Footnote 3: Various effects of the glitches resulting from the incompatibility of the reproductive hormones with the main operating system include: extreme mood swings ranging from sweet and amorous to Raging She-Beast, weeping for no apparent reason, bloating, cramps, and the desire to watch movies with excessive dialog and no explosions or fart jokes.)
A subcommittee had been tasked to make the system maintenance free, but in a tragic turn of events the entire committee called in sick that day.
The Reproductive Team had also been working together with the Software team to develop a program that would disable the brain's pain receptors during child birth, but unfortunately there was not enough time to include this into the final design.
The final product is a Woman that is part goddess and part human. Although the Woman did not work out quite as perfectly as God had envisioned, the plan is still a success. Men love Women and - for some reason - Women love Men. In fact they love each other's strengths deeply enough to put up with, and in some cases even forgive the other's weaknesses.
Then He created Man. The design for Man is a basic, tried and true format. God merely had to look in the mirror for a prototype. Men are simple and rugged, like a single-speed bicycle; the seemingly primitive components performing well at their specified functions. They may not be very fancy, devoid of bells and whistles, but they work well and are easy to maintain.
Then as a companion to Man, in the final moments of the Creation, He created the piece de resistance … Woman - which when translated means "New Man", or "Man v2.0 Upgrade Patch." This new model was to compensate for the shortcomings of the original design, mainly the man's inability to bear offspring and raise them into adulthood.
(Footnote 1: There was a little known prototype called Man v1.4 that could self-reproduce, but was otherwise still male. This design failed when it was realized that none of the next generation ever survived into adulthood. The adult male would either fail to care for the young, abandoning them to be devoured by beasts, or when the adult found that the child was not very productive at obtaining its share of food, he would do what he deemed to be most efficient for his own survival … he ate the young himself.)
The Software Team quickly went to work writing code for the Woman's psyche that would allow her to be more caring and nurturing. The female mind was programmed to be vastly different than the Man's. The Man made decisions by logically analyzing sets of facts. The Woman was less logical, but instead she was blessed with intuition, compassion, and empathy; concepts that Men are still trying to grasp ages later.
(Footnote 2: The Woman's diminished aptitude for logical reasoning is often misunderstood, and in fact many "modern" philosophers claim that women are equally, if not more logical than men. The truth is that this so-called "flaw" was personally suggested by God to solve a critical problem. Namely, if Women were highly logical they would never be attracted to Men; they would completely avoid the ugly, odorous brutes altogether. Women would congregate together in civilized, well-decorated societies until the species died off. Some women claim they have highly superior logical skills and demonstrate this by being attracted to other women - just as the men are. Yet these women are attracted to women that look, sound, and behave much like men, thus reaping the worst of both situations: failing to further the species and also being fond of unattractive hairy beasts, thus proving themselves to have inferior intelligence and lacking any logic at all.)
God put his best team of Exterior Designers on the task of modeling the female appearance. This team had already designed mountains, waterfalls, forests, flowers, kittens, coral reefs, and even experimented in the deep sea with fish that would brightly light up with different colors. The bar was set high: This was to be the crowning glory of the Earth's creation. In addition to that, it must be something that could tame the savage Men while simultaneously filling them with passion, for this plan required both parties to participate together and Man does not like to admit to needing the assistance of another being.
The Exterior Design team were true artists and succeeded in creating the most beautiful sight in all of the Creation. Balance was achieved as her bodily form and gracefulness could drive a man wild, yet her enchanting eyes could stop him in his tracks and melt him into a puddle of goo. God was so pleased with this design that He instructed all other teams to fit their systems into this body without allowing any aesthetic changes. And thus began the everlasting conflict between artists and engineers: Form vs. Function.
Every mechanical engineer knows not to finalize the exterior specifications first because the required parts may not fit into the shape provided. The deadline was fast approaching, and on top of it all, it was the last day before God left on vacation so His head was not in the game, especially after the unveiling of the female's exterior design.
The Reproduction Team was under the most pressure. With the deadline so near, they had very little time to test the new system with the other systems of the body. In a scene that most engineers, designers, and builders are familiar with, as the clock ticked toward the final deadline their attitude changed from "This will be the greatest thing ever!" to "Just cram it in there and hope it works." The hormones used to regulate the reproductive system were not completely compatible with the brains operating system, resulting in various bugs and glitches.
(Footnote 3: Various effects of the glitches resulting from the incompatibility of the reproductive hormones with the main operating system include: extreme mood swings ranging from sweet and amorous to Raging She-Beast, weeping for no apparent reason, bloating, cramps, and the desire to watch movies with excessive dialog and no explosions or fart jokes.)
A subcommittee had been tasked to make the system maintenance free, but in a tragic turn of events the entire committee called in sick that day.
The Reproductive Team had also been working together with the Software team to develop a program that would disable the brain's pain receptors during child birth, but unfortunately there was not enough time to include this into the final design.
The final product is a Woman that is part goddess and part human. Although the Woman did not work out quite as perfectly as God had envisioned, the plan is still a success. Men love Women and - for some reason - Women love Men. In fact they love each other's strengths deeply enough to put up with, and in some cases even forgive the other's weaknesses.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Words of Wisdom
If you wear headphones while you work, remember this one thing when you try to hold back a fart:
Just because you didn't hear it, does not mean everyone else didn't hear it.
Just because you didn't hear it, does not mean everyone else didn't hear it.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Featured Album: Godspeed
Victory is mine! The latest addition to my music collection is a band called Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and if you think the band’s name is strange, we've only gotten started.
The album title is Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven. How do I begin to describe it: Spacey, psychedelic, avant-garde art rock with guitars (electric and acoustic), upright bass, cellos, violins, glockenspiel, and an extra large dose of Weird. It’s mostly instrumental with a few spoken word audio clips thrown in: an old man reminiscing about Conney Island, a little girl singing in French, a crazy cult preacher, etc.
The album consists of 2 discs with 2 tracks on each disc. Each track has several movements within it, each with its own name. The shortest track is 19 minutes long.
The passive nature of this album should allow it to serve well as background music while I do other things that require more mental focus such as work or talk with friends. My usual Prog Metal is so intricate that it requires a certain amount of attention simply to listen to it. This album is more relaxing, although it does have its intense and/or intricate moments.
The album title is Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven. How do I begin to describe it: Spacey, psychedelic, avant-garde art rock with guitars (electric and acoustic), upright bass, cellos, violins, glockenspiel, and an extra large dose of Weird. It’s mostly instrumental with a few spoken word audio clips thrown in: an old man reminiscing about Conney Island, a little girl singing in French, a crazy cult preacher, etc.
The album consists of 2 discs with 2 tracks on each disc. Each track has several movements within it, each with its own name. The shortest track is 19 minutes long.
The passive nature of this album should allow it to serve well as background music while I do other things that require more mental focus such as work or talk with friends. My usual Prog Metal is so intricate that it requires a certain amount of attention simply to listen to it. This album is more relaxing, although it does have its intense and/or intricate moments.
As I was waiting for CD Tradepost to open Saturday morning I stopped at the Goodwill across the street. There I bought a Venaculas CD for $3. Remember, the 1 CD a Month rule is more of a guideline. It was only $3 and they are pretty descent for a local band.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thrill of the Chase
As you know I’m a big music-lover, but my taste is a bit obscure and unique, which makes it very difficult to find CDs that I like. The types of music I listen to are not played on the radio and are rarely found in mainstream music stores, so for me, looking for CDs is like being Indiana Jones searching for ancient relics. There is a process that involves researching the band, hunting for the CDs, and then verifying that they will suit my taste.
I try to limit myself to 1 CD a month – although this is more of a guideline than a rule - so it is an honor for a CD to be chosen to join my elite collection. I thought it might be fun each month to write a review of my latest find. …Well, fun for me anyway. I know most of you will have no idea who these bands are, but you know me … I’m always willing to share.
Yesterday I was stoked. CD Tradepost’s online inventory indicated they had an album that I really wanted to try out. This is a very unique band that I was interested in hearing and sharing the experience with the rest of you (I’ll reveal what it is later). I went straight there after work, but the CD was nowhere to be found. I asked the cashier about it, he verified that the computer indicated the CD was at this store, and he helped me look around. We checked all the other sections of the store, just in case it was put in the wrong category, and I even checked the rows next to the places where it could be, just in case somebody picked it up out of curiosity and then accidentally returned it one or two rows away from where they got it.
But alas, this rarity eluded us. The cashier said he would call me if it resurfaces, but I know that this is unlikely.
I won’t give up. The hunt is on. The target has made its presence known, and has mocked me by walking through my crosshairs while my weapon malfunctioned. Now it dares to run and hide. But I will continue to track my prey. It will be mine. … Oh yes … It will be mine.
To be continued … hopefully…
I try to limit myself to 1 CD a month – although this is more of a guideline than a rule - so it is an honor for a CD to be chosen to join my elite collection. I thought it might be fun each month to write a review of my latest find. …Well, fun for me anyway. I know most of you will have no idea who these bands are, but you know me … I’m always willing to share.
Yesterday I was stoked. CD Tradepost’s online inventory indicated they had an album that I really wanted to try out. This is a very unique band that I was interested in hearing and sharing the experience with the rest of you (I’ll reveal what it is later). I went straight there after work, but the CD was nowhere to be found. I asked the cashier about it, he verified that the computer indicated the CD was at this store, and he helped me look around. We checked all the other sections of the store, just in case it was put in the wrong category, and I even checked the rows next to the places where it could be, just in case somebody picked it up out of curiosity and then accidentally returned it one or two rows away from where they got it.
But alas, this rarity eluded us. The cashier said he would call me if it resurfaces, but I know that this is unlikely.
I won’t give up. The hunt is on. The target has made its presence known, and has mocked me by walking through my crosshairs while my weapon malfunctioned. Now it dares to run and hide. But I will continue to track my prey. It will be mine. … Oh yes … It will be mine.
To be continued … hopefully…
Monday, June 23, 2008
Hardware Hilarity
Warning: This post is rated PG-13
This weekend I was helping my dad with a project. We made a trip to Home Depot to get a tube of epoxy adhesive. Before going to the checkout lane, my dad decided he needed to visit the restroom.
This is what NOT to say to your dad in this situation:
“Do you need me to hold your caulk while you pee?”
This weekend I was helping my dad with a project. We made a trip to Home Depot to get a tube of epoxy adhesive. Before going to the checkout lane, my dad decided he needed to visit the restroom.
This is what NOT to say to your dad in this situation:
“Do you need me to hold your caulk while you pee?”
Friday, June 20, 2008
You Grew Up in Iowa If:
Just for the record, I’m a Nebraskan – hence my user name. But I spent my adolescent years in a tiny town in Iowa. Iowa has been in the news a lot recently with all the tornados and floods, so I thought I’d post these. The first half was emailed to me by a friend. The second half, in green was written by Yours Truly. Some of them may only make sense if you lived in Manson.
You Grew Up in Iowa If:
- You know what "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
- You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
- You buy Christmas presents at Farm Fleet.
- More is spent on beer & liquor than food at weddings.
- You or someone you know was a 'Pork Queen' at the county fair.
- You know that 'combine' is a noun AND a verb. (Actually, if you went to Iowa public schools, you probably have no idea what the difference is between a noun and a verb. - Kevineb)
- You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
- You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
- You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.
- Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. - There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows or goats in the morning...phew!
- You have driven your car on the lake.
- Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. (Or every church dance. - Kevineb)
- The local gas station sells live bait.
- At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
- You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
- Pop is the only name for soda.
- You don't need to use your turn signals because everyone already knows where you are going.
- When you lose control of your vehicle and go into the ditch, the news will get back to town before you do!!!!!
Additions by Kevineb:
- You pronounce it "Fow Dodge"
- You were 18 before you ever met a person with any kind of ethnic background other than your own.
- Your town has the only stoplight in the county.
- You drive 25 miles to get to the nearest McDonalds.
- Every small town needs an excuse for a parade in the summer. Yours is the fact that decades ago the town was leveled by a tornado.
- Eventually they ditch the tornado theme in favor of the fact that it was hit by a meteorite millions of years ago.
- You are proud to see the story of the meteorite depicted on the side of a U-Haul.
- The land is so flat, when you look at the horizon you can see the back of your own head.
- You had the same high school Math teacher as your dad.
- A Tornado Watch doesn't bother you at all.
- Your tractor has more electronics than your home office.
- Once you meet a police car you go ahead and speed up, knowing he is the only one around.
- You visit one of the mountain states and are astonished to see the snow falling straight down instead of sideways.
- You visit one of the mountain states and are astonished to see mountains.
- The first thing you do every morning is scrape an inch of ice off your car.
- When something is diagonal you say it's "kitty corner." (This infuriates me! - Kev)
- You wear a cap that proudly advertises a brand of seed corn, and you discuss this topic in depth with your buddies.
- The best student in your Chemistry class lives in one of the Meth houses on your street.
- The only radio station within range plays both kinds of music: Country AND Western.
- On Monday you wore a t-shirt and played outside. On Wednesday you shoveled a foot of snow off the driveway.
- Your local newspaper is published once a week and the front page features a kid building a snowman with no mention of the recent drug busts.
- Your town has a dozen of them, but everybody knows exactly where you were at if you say you were at "the four-way stop."
- The biggest sledding hill in your area started at the shoulder of the highway and went into the drainage ditch.
- You remember taking the ITEDs every year.
- You know why there are miniature road signs in the ditch along the highway.
- You see somebody dipping their bicycle wheel into a river and you know why. (At least I think you should know why, but then I'm a cyclist AND I grew up in Iowa. - Kevineb)
- You know that the best corn is purchased from the back of a pickup on the side of the highway.
- You aren't surprised to find the stores are closed during the Cy-Hawk game.
- You know what the "Cy-Hawk" game is.
- You know the difference between the Golden Rule at ISU and the Golden Rule you learned in church.
- You or somebody you know has been involved in a grain explosion.
You Grew Up in Iowa If:
- You know what "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
- You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!
- You buy Christmas presents at Farm Fleet.
- More is spent on beer & liquor than food at weddings.
- You or someone you know was a 'Pork Queen' at the county fair.
- You know that 'combine' is a noun AND a verb. (Actually, if you went to Iowa public schools, you probably have no idea what the difference is between a noun and a verb. - Kevineb)
- You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.
- You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.
- You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.
- Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set. - There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows or goats in the morning...phew!
- You have driven your car on the lake.
- Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance. (Or every church dance. - Kevineb)
- The local gas station sells live bait.
- At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.
- You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.
- Pop is the only name for soda.
- You don't need to use your turn signals because everyone already knows where you are going.
- When you lose control of your vehicle and go into the ditch, the news will get back to town before you do!!!!!
Additions by Kevineb:
- You pronounce it "Fow Dodge"
- You were 18 before you ever met a person with any kind of ethnic background other than your own.
- Your town has the only stoplight in the county.
- You drive 25 miles to get to the nearest McDonalds.
- Every small town needs an excuse for a parade in the summer. Yours is the fact that decades ago the town was leveled by a tornado.
- Eventually they ditch the tornado theme in favor of the fact that it was hit by a meteorite millions of years ago.
- You are proud to see the story of the meteorite depicted on the side of a U-Haul.
- The land is so flat, when you look at the horizon you can see the back of your own head.
- You had the same high school Math teacher as your dad.
- A Tornado Watch doesn't bother you at all.
- Your tractor has more electronics than your home office.
- Once you meet a police car you go ahead and speed up, knowing he is the only one around.
- You visit one of the mountain states and are astonished to see the snow falling straight down instead of sideways.
- You visit one of the mountain states and are astonished to see mountains.
- The first thing you do every morning is scrape an inch of ice off your car.
- When something is diagonal you say it's "kitty corner." (This infuriates me! - Kev)
- You wear a cap that proudly advertises a brand of seed corn, and you discuss this topic in depth with your buddies.
- The best student in your Chemistry class lives in one of the Meth houses on your street.
- The only radio station within range plays both kinds of music: Country AND Western.
- On Monday you wore a t-shirt and played outside. On Wednesday you shoveled a foot of snow off the driveway.
- Your local newspaper is published once a week and the front page features a kid building a snowman with no mention of the recent drug busts.
- Your town has a dozen of them, but everybody knows exactly where you were at if you say you were at "the four-way stop."
- The biggest sledding hill in your area started at the shoulder of the highway and went into the drainage ditch.
- You remember taking the ITEDs every year.
- You know why there are miniature road signs in the ditch along the highway.
- You see somebody dipping their bicycle wheel into a river and you know why. (At least I think you should know why, but then I'm a cyclist AND I grew up in Iowa. - Kevineb)
- You know that the best corn is purchased from the back of a pickup on the side of the highway.
- You aren't surprised to find the stores are closed during the Cy-Hawk game.
- You know what the "Cy-Hawk" game is.
- You know the difference between the Golden Rule at ISU and the Golden Rule you learned in church.
- You or somebody you know has been involved in a grain explosion.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Dogs = Guaranteed Chick Magnets
I guess I need a dog. It's well known that dogs are great chick magnets, but I have not been able to locate any solid research to explain why this is and how effectively it works. But then to be honest, I haven't looked for any research either. I'm afraid to Google "The Effects of Dogs on Women" on my computer at work. Maybe some of you ladies could fill me in on how this works.
There's a guy who brings his bulldog Nicki to FHE, and I'll admit it's a cute dog. When she comes wandering over, snorting at my ankles, I'll pet her for a bit. Nicki's owner doesn't hang on to her the whole time. He often hands the leash off to whoever wants it … Does that count as some kind of philanthropic charity service?
Last night I was talking with my friend Seashells and observing the magnet in action. Not to sound mean, but the guy holding the leash wasn't the type of guy I would expect to rank very high on a woman's Desirability Scale. Nicki led him over to an attractive young lady sitting in the grass and began sniffing around by her feet. The guy sat down next to her and they began to chat for several minutes. (Well done, Nicki! This dog must be very well trained.)
"Look!" I said to Seashells, "Do you think that girl would ever talk to that guy if it weren't for the dog? It would never happen." Seashells didn't have too much input. In fact I don't think girls are even aware that they are being manipulated by the powers of the dog, because then it happened right before my very eyes.
A couple minutes later Seashells blurted out "OK, I have to go pet the doggy!" and she left my side to go sit by the dog. I was speechless; all I could do was laugh. One minute she's there talking to me about dogs being used to get girls, then the next minute she's walking away to go play with the dog! I witnessed the entire thing and yet I had no idea what happened. It's like she was brainwashed into walking into a black hole.
Imagine two fish.
Fish #1: Look at that hook hanging there!
Fish #2: Yeah, I see it.
Fish #1: What is it about the colorful lures that make fish attracted to it? You can clearly see the hook and if you look carefully you can see the line on top. And yet other fish will still go right up and bite it. LOOK! That guy just bit it! There he goes!
Fish #2: Wow, he's a goner.
Fish #1: It's back! There's the hook again! Why does anybody fall for that trick?
Fish #2: I don't know. … … Well, I'm going to go over there and bite that thing.
Fish #1: NOOOOO! WHYYYYYY?
So I guess I need a dog. And for the record, there is no such thing as a Bachelor Cat!
There's a guy who brings his bulldog Nicki to FHE, and I'll admit it's a cute dog. When she comes wandering over, snorting at my ankles, I'll pet her for a bit. Nicki's owner doesn't hang on to her the whole time. He often hands the leash off to whoever wants it … Does that count as some kind of philanthropic charity service?
Last night I was talking with my friend Seashells and observing the magnet in action. Not to sound mean, but the guy holding the leash wasn't the type of guy I would expect to rank very high on a woman's Desirability Scale. Nicki led him over to an attractive young lady sitting in the grass and began sniffing around by her feet. The guy sat down next to her and they began to chat for several minutes. (Well done, Nicki! This dog must be very well trained.)
"Look!" I said to Seashells, "Do you think that girl would ever talk to that guy if it weren't for the dog? It would never happen." Seashells didn't have too much input. In fact I don't think girls are even aware that they are being manipulated by the powers of the dog, because then it happened right before my very eyes.
A couple minutes later Seashells blurted out "OK, I have to go pet the doggy!" and she left my side to go sit by the dog. I was speechless; all I could do was laugh. One minute she's there talking to me about dogs being used to get girls, then the next minute she's walking away to go play with the dog! I witnessed the entire thing and yet I had no idea what happened. It's like she was brainwashed into walking into a black hole.
Imagine two fish.
Fish #1: Look at that hook hanging there!
Fish #2: Yeah, I see it.
Fish #1: What is it about the colorful lures that make fish attracted to it? You can clearly see the hook and if you look carefully you can see the line on top. And yet other fish will still go right up and bite it. LOOK! That guy just bit it! There he goes!
Fish #2: Wow, he's a goner.
Fish #1: It's back! There's the hook again! Why does anybody fall for that trick?
Fish #2: I don't know. … … Well, I'm going to go over there and bite that thing.
Fish #1: NOOOOO! WHYYYYYY?
So I guess I need a dog. And for the record, there is no such thing as a Bachelor Cat!
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!
THREE YEARS FOR JEEP & PRINCESS FLIP-FLOP!!
The best friends a guy could ever ask for!
In honor of their third anniversay, here is another re-print from a year ago.
I love you both!
====================================================
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRIEDRICH!!!
This isn't Friedrich, it's his stunt double.
Yesterday (6/18/2007) my betta turned 2 years old. He started life as an orphan at the pet store. Then one magical day he and his four brothers were hand selected (by yours truly) for their solid blue coloring to sit in a place of honor as center pieces for the wedding reception of my best friends. (Oh yeah, Happy Anniversary Jeep & Princess Flip-Flop!!!) It was an enchanting evening as they were surrounded by hoards of admirers. “What a celebration!” they thought, “These nice people are throwing such a wonderful party to honor our release from the orphanage!”
But alas, the party ended and they found they were still in fact homeless. But some of the guests took pity on the poor fish and began adopting them one by one. They were a little sad to be separated from their brothers, but not too sad. After all, they are all male Siamese Fighting Fish, so they never learned to work and play well with others. He was sad because most of his brothers had already been adopted. He wondered if anybody would ever love him. But then a very nice couple picked him up and carried him away.
On the bumpy car ride home he almost got sea-sick (kind of ironic, huh.) But despite all the sloshing around, he could hear his new Mama and Daddy discussing what his name should be. “Wow! A name of my very own, to set me apart from all the rest. How exciting! I hope they pick a good one!” Then his daddy (who was very handsome, by the way) suggested a name that he had heard several times that weekend. A name that wasn’t degrading and embarrassing like “Mr. Bubbles” or “Finny”. A name that no other fish would have. The middle name of his friend who was married. The name was Friedrich! “FRIEDRICH!! I HAVE A NAME!!! MY NAME IS FRIEDRICH! Oh, what a wonderful name!” Friedrich was so excited he nearly jumped out of his bowl.
Mama and Daddy were very generous. They gave him a larger bowl and decorated it with colorful rocks. And they gave him a wonderful little cave that he could swim through and hide under. Mama and Daddy clapped and cheered the first time he was brave enough to swim completely through the top of the cave.
Mama and Daddy were a little silly. When they would leave for work they would say things like, “Friedrich, you better have that kitchen clean by the time we get back.” Or, “You better not throw any wild parties while we’re gone.” And when they would get home they would say things like, “Friedrich, did you make this mess in here? Bad fishy!”
Friedrich would get very confused, “But I stayed in my bowl! I’m a good fish!”
Life was not always easy. Mama once dropped him on the floor when she was cleaning his bowl for the first time. She picked him up and he was OK, but Mama never cleaned his bowl again. I guess it scared her as much as it scared Friedrich. And then they got a big cat named Pippin. One time, while everybody was away, Pippin drank the water in Friedrich’s bowl. “He sucked away half my universe!” But Pippin never tried to hurt Friedrich and eventually they learned to co-exist. They would even sit together on the very top of the tall desk.
But then they got another cat…The Bad One. The little demon called Galileo. At first Galileo was too small to get to Friedrich, but before long Galileo could jump up to the counter and he was very eager to explore. He would knock the cover off the top of the bowl and sometimes stick his paw or face into the bowl. The bowl is plastic and it now has claw marks on it that show how Galileo played too roughly. The Little Terror was very frightening.
Daddy seemed to move around a lot. Friedrich didn’t like moving. It was very stressful and Friedrich was starting to get old. He had out-lived all his brothers. For a long time he had trouble finding his food at the top of his bowl. The day before his second birthday, Daddy moved him to a new home. Daddy told him “Happy birthday!” as he went to work the next morning, and even sang to him after he got home. Friedrich was very excited about his birthday. Two years is very old for a betta. But he did not have the strength to go any longer. Before his birthday was finished his spirit went to The Great Aquarium in the Sky.
Daddy moved him one last time. This time he was moved to a different kind of bowl. The sides of this bowl were not clear. Instead they were solid white, and there was a long tunnel at the bottom. The water started to swirl around and around, but this time he did not get sea sick. No, he would never be sick again. He went very quickly through the tunnel and was laid to rest in a giant cave, much larger than the cave he called home for so long.
The End
In Loving Memory of my Little Blue Baby.
The best friends a guy could ever ask for!
In honor of their third anniversay, here is another re-print from a year ago.
I love you both!
====================================================
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRIEDRICH!!!
This isn't Friedrich, it's his stunt double.Yesterday (6/18/2007) my betta turned 2 years old. He started life as an orphan at the pet store. Then one magical day he and his four brothers were hand selected (by yours truly) for their solid blue coloring to sit in a place of honor as center pieces for the wedding reception of my best friends. (Oh yeah, Happy Anniversary Jeep & Princess Flip-Flop!!!) It was an enchanting evening as they were surrounded by hoards of admirers. “What a celebration!” they thought, “These nice people are throwing such a wonderful party to honor our release from the orphanage!”
But alas, the party ended and they found they were still in fact homeless. But some of the guests took pity on the poor fish and began adopting them one by one. They were a little sad to be separated from their brothers, but not too sad. After all, they are all male Siamese Fighting Fish, so they never learned to work and play well with others. He was sad because most of his brothers had already been adopted. He wondered if anybody would ever love him. But then a very nice couple picked him up and carried him away.
On the bumpy car ride home he almost got sea-sick (kind of ironic, huh.) But despite all the sloshing around, he could hear his new Mama and Daddy discussing what his name should be. “Wow! A name of my very own, to set me apart from all the rest. How exciting! I hope they pick a good one!” Then his daddy (who was very handsome, by the way) suggested a name that he had heard several times that weekend. A name that wasn’t degrading and embarrassing like “Mr. Bubbles” or “Finny”. A name that no other fish would have. The middle name of his friend who was married. The name was Friedrich! “FRIEDRICH!! I HAVE A NAME!!! MY NAME IS FRIEDRICH! Oh, what a wonderful name!” Friedrich was so excited he nearly jumped out of his bowl.
Mama and Daddy were very generous. They gave him a larger bowl and decorated it with colorful rocks. And they gave him a wonderful little cave that he could swim through and hide under. Mama and Daddy clapped and cheered the first time he was brave enough to swim completely through the top of the cave.
Mama and Daddy were a little silly. When they would leave for work they would say things like, “Friedrich, you better have that kitchen clean by the time we get back.” Or, “You better not throw any wild parties while we’re gone.” And when they would get home they would say things like, “Friedrich, did you make this mess in here? Bad fishy!”
Friedrich would get very confused, “But I stayed in my bowl! I’m a good fish!”
Life was not always easy. Mama once dropped him on the floor when she was cleaning his bowl for the first time. She picked him up and he was OK, but Mama never cleaned his bowl again. I guess it scared her as much as it scared Friedrich. And then they got a big cat named Pippin. One time, while everybody was away, Pippin drank the water in Friedrich’s bowl. “He sucked away half my universe!” But Pippin never tried to hurt Friedrich and eventually they learned to co-exist. They would even sit together on the very top of the tall desk.
But then they got another cat…The Bad One. The little demon called Galileo. At first Galileo was too small to get to Friedrich, but before long Galileo could jump up to the counter and he was very eager to explore. He would knock the cover off the top of the bowl and sometimes stick his paw or face into the bowl. The bowl is plastic and it now has claw marks on it that show how Galileo played too roughly. The Little Terror was very frightening.
Daddy seemed to move around a lot. Friedrich didn’t like moving. It was very stressful and Friedrich was starting to get old. He had out-lived all his brothers. For a long time he had trouble finding his food at the top of his bowl. The day before his second birthday, Daddy moved him to a new home. Daddy told him “Happy birthday!” as he went to work the next morning, and even sang to him after he got home. Friedrich was very excited about his birthday. Two years is very old for a betta. But he did not have the strength to go any longer. Before his birthday was finished his spirit went to The Great Aquarium in the Sky.
Daddy moved him one last time. This time he was moved to a different kind of bowl. The sides of this bowl were not clear. Instead they were solid white, and there was a long tunnel at the bottom. The water started to swirl around and around, but this time he did not get sea sick. No, he would never be sick again. He went very quickly through the tunnel and was laid to rest in a giant cave, much larger than the cave he called home for so long.
The End
In Loving Memory of my Little Blue Baby.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
